Generation 90210

Generation 90210 Remembers:

2010-05-30T14:01:00.001-07:00

The episode wherein Kelly and Brenda prove to be strong, realistic role models for young girls.

No matter how much Miss Ramona loves 90210, there are times when its total lack of verisimilitude to teen life is so striking that it cannot go without comment. Of course, there is very little in Miss Ramona's life that goes without comment (she's a talker, that one), but she digresses here.

To give some context to this clip: During the summer between junior and senior year, Brenda and Donna went off to Paris to study abroad. While in Paris, Brenda picked up a nasty smoking habit and a beefy American boytoy named "Rick" (if the fact that the show's new hottie was named Rick doesn't scream early 90s, I don't know what would) whom she seduced by pretending to be French.

Back at home, Kelly and Dylan bonded over their shared loneliness and desire to play for the Beverly Hills Beach Club's volleyball team. Needless to say, soon enough they were sharing a sleeping bag on the beach while making out to the haunting vocals of Sophie B. Hawkin's "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover." Cut to a few months later: Brenda has found out about the affair. However, in a juicy twist, Dylan has reached the conclusion that he can't decide between the two girls, a plot arc that comprised most of senior year.

In an earlier post, Miss Ramona explained that shows like 90210 often cast much older actors to play teenagers because if we saw what teens really looked like, these shows would be far more uncomfortable. The same holds true for their dialogue; much of what teens talk about is super boring and riddled with likes, umms, "omg"s, no ways, and cools. Teenagers are generally not the most articulate group of people when talking amongst themselves. So, right away this conversation is suspect - Miss Ramona simply cannot fathom a 17 year old girl telling a guy he was "appealing."

But the dialogue isn't the real problem here. This idea that after all the cheating and lying, Brenda and Kelly would be friends again and would be friendly to Dylan is just wrong. That is just not how shit would go down. And now, in the era of Facebook, Twitter, and texting, there would be, like, a massive campus debate on the matter, peppered with all sorts of abbreviations undecipherable even to Miss Ramona who specializes in the language of teens. However, there are so many positive messages for the show's primary audience, girls 9-16, that we can overlook that. Time for the lecture at hand:

1. Being mature means remaining friends with your best friend who boffed your boyfriend and then continued to date him behind your back.
2. Being honest about things makes the unacceptable acceptable. See Rielle Hunter's interview in Esquire for an example of this theory working beautifully.
3. Being cheated on and lied to is a part of growing up. Accept it! Embrace it! Hell, toast your lemonade to it!
4. Being patient means hanging out for months on end while a boy goes back and forth between deciding whether he wants to date you or your best friend. Bake him cookies (as the girls did later in the episode) to help him decide!

Some people really criticized 90210 when it came out for its representation of teen sexuality (none of the characters were virgins except Donna). And while Miss Ramona gets why this might have been a problem, she thinks that when we consider all the other more positive messages that came from the show, its moral value is totally redeemed.

Generation 90210 Says: "Your Girlfriend Ain't No Kind of Problem"

2010-05-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

These recently discovered lyrics by New York disco darlings Tayisha Busay accurately embody Kelly's upspoken feelings towards Brenda regarding Vanilla Ice, oops, I mean Dylan McKay (wrong 90s has-been with bad eyebrows):

"Your girlfriend ain't no kind of problem to me, baby.
If your girl's got such soul power, why can't she keep you off my dance floor?"

While in Kelly's case, it wasn't exactly her dance floor Brenda couldn't keep Dylan off of (after all, he was notorious for refusing to dance at school functions in order to cultivate his Byronic mystique), the sentiment underlying this delicious lyrical tidbit is quite accurate in describing the personal dynamics governing the Kelly vs. Brenda rivalry.

Here is the video for "Soul Power" or what might been known as Kelly's Theme:

Hiatus

2009-07-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

Miss Ramona is in dissertation crackdown mode and will not be posting until early August. Wish her luck as she attempts to explore masculinity and primogeniture in the West Indian Bildungsroman. And yes, it's about as interesting as it sounds. And here is the rest of it.

Generation 90210 Remembers

2009-06-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

The 90210 episode wherein Kelly and Dylan cuddle to the sounds of Dinosaur Jr.

This clip warms Ramona's heart because while watching this particular episode (the one in which Donna Martin gets drunk at the prom in 1993, hence Donna Martin Graduates!) back when it aired, her ear was caught by the background music which is Dinosaur Jr.'s "Start Choppin'." Ramona got her mom to drive her on down to the local Sam Goody to buy the band's most recent cassette, Where You Been, the very next day, an album which remains a favorite to this day and was certainly instrumental in getting Ramona through tumultuous ninth and tenth grade years.

Happily, Miss Ramona is going to be getting her 1993 on tonight seeing Dinosaur Jr. at the Troubadour!

Now, let's talk Dylan and Kelly.

Having spent the better part of her professional life working with teenagers and kids in their early twenties, Miss Ramona has a pretty good idea about how kids look and act. Shows like 90210 always cast much older actors to play teenagers for one simple reason: these shows are sex-driven and if viewers saw what teenagers really looked like for the most part, they would be revolted at the idea of them having sex. Most teenagers are gangly, chubby, awkward, acne-prone, baby faced, and/or inarticulate. They look fucking young. Sit in an introductory college course and look around and what you see are children. They don't look old enough to know what sex is, much less to be having it.

Real teenagers are generally the least sexy beings on the planet.

John Francis Daley (Sam Weir), a real teenager on Freaks and Geeks, and Luke Perry (Dylan McKay) on 90210. Please compare and ask yourself who you feel more comfortable with booking a hotel room for himself and a lady friend.

Casting real teenagers might force viewers into an awkward instance of self-examination; is there not something odd about being totally engrossed by the sexual escapades of mini-people with braces and blackheads and peach fuzz?

The whole thing is more palatable if the teenagers in question look and act 25. Consider Kelly and Dylan in the clip as they feed each other strawberries in Dylan's craftsman bungalow in which he lives alone. The plan is to catch a flight to San Francisco after prom and stay in a hotel on Nob Hill for the weekend. And go to Chinatown!!

Wow, those were Miss Ramona's exact post-prom plans!

The whole thing would be really unsettling if not for Dylan's receeding hairline and sophisticated travel vocabulary. Because while most seniors can hardly get themselves to first period on time, apparently they can book and pay for private planes to expensive hotels

Generation 90210 Word of the Day: Classic Alternative

2009-06-18T02:20:00.000-07:00

Before we get into the details of this new genre that Miss Ramona just learned about from her dear friend, the uber-attractive Miss Bea Zeapa of NYC, let's take a little quiz, kids.

1) Pisces Iscariot is a reference to what two people?
2) Did you ever own a pair of Doc Martens? Bonus point if you wore them with tube socks.
3) What do the words "Manic Panic" mean to you?
4) Can you define "riot grrrrrrl" in eight words or less?
5) Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell, Jeff Ament, and Stone Gossard were are all a part of what band that released only one album in 1991?

Bonus round: Match the band to the lyric
1. Smashing Pumpkins
2. Pavement
3. Stone Temple Pilots
4. Dinosaur Jr.
5. Screaming Trees
A) "There's no going back to that, so numb I can't even react. Didn't say it's not okay, but we aren't dealing the same way"
B) "Driving faster in my car, falling farther from just what we are. Smoke a cigarette and lie some more. These conversations kill"
C) "Mother weep the years I'm missing, all our time can't be given back. Shut my mouth and strike the demons, curse you and your reasons"
D)"Out on tour with Smashing Pumpkins, nature kids they don't have no function. I don't understand what they mean and I could really give a fuck"
E)"Did you hear the distant cry calling me back to my sin? Like the one you knew before, calling me back once again"

If this intellectually demanding exam seemed easy to you, it is likely that the music industry might label you as a fan of "Classic Alternative." CONT.

"Classic Alternative" is a designation given to late 80s and 90s bands who produced music that was basically wasn't pop and often complained about deep emotional pain using non-sequiturs meant to be interpreted as emotionally evocative. I mean, at one point the Gin Blossoms were considered alternative, for christ's sake, so the term is kind of lacking in specificity. Alternative does (and always has) seemed am inaccurate descriptor for bands like Pearl Jam, Nirvana, or Stone Temple Pilots, all of which sold millions of albums and sold out large venues.Even Stephen Malkmus, who wins a special "I'm a Big Prick!" award from Ramona for reasons too long to get into here, and that patron saint of anorexics, Hope Sandoval, all beautiful and angsty in Mazzy Star and The Jesus and Mary Chain, were prominently featured in mainstream media and on MTV.

Alternative to what, one might then be prompted to ask.

In fact, as an obnoxious sixteen year old who participated in a weekly AOL chat room for Smashing Pumpkins fans, Miss Ramona often did just that to any person higher than her in the adolescent social hierarchy who casually professed to like "alternative music." What do you see it as an alternative to?, Ramona would shoot back snarkily before prattling off what she perceived to be her more authentic badges of alternative credibility (Lollapalooza! A record player! ! Pearl Jam demo tapes! Lester Bangs' books! A choker that she made at the bead store for Billy Corgan that actually got to him!)

Alternative was alternative the way that Fall Out Boy is punk. Which is to decidedly say, not at all.

But now, those assholes over at Amazon have decided upon a new, even stupider name for music of that era meant to make Gen-90210ers feel really fucking old: Classic Alternative. This phrase is such a big hot mess that Ramona is not going to even begin to explore the full implications of its absurdity. Miss Ramona and friends are not old enough to have anything associated with their coming of age deemed "classic." Period. Instead, she will only say that the people who came up with this term are bastard people. That's right, bastard people.

Here is some "classic alternative" for the kids featuring all the nuance and subtlety of Eddie Vedder. Watch as he gets his feminist on by striking this kind of Jesus-y pose while standing on top of a stool and writing "PRO CHOICE" on his arm with a big black marker. Naturally.

Generation 90210 Remembers: Fergie on Kids Inc.

2009-06-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

Many generation 90210-ers remember Kids Inc., a show about an afterschool night club of sorts where a motley crew of singers and dancers performed 80s hits. She doesn't know about you, but as soon as that final bell of the day rang in fourth grade, Miss Ramona skipped right on down to the local discotheque. While The Mickey Mouse Club had Justin, Christina, Britney, and, umm, Ryan Gosling, Kids Inc. had Mario Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Stacey Ferguson who grew up to be the eponymously-named Fergie. Speaking of JL Hewitt, why does she exist? Anyway.

In her recent incarnation as Fergie, Fergie-Ferg, the Duchess, or Fergilicious, respectively, Ms. Ferguson has come under fire for her onstage urination problems and a poorly done brow lift. But on Kids Inc. she was the girl everyone wanted to be, with blonde curls and a voice made for singing Lionel Richie songs to handicapped clowns.Now, for some, clowns evoke joy and laughter. For Miss Ramona, they evoke pedophiles. This general feeling is not mitigated by the vision of young Stacey singing a love ballad to a male clown as he twirls a broom (wtf?) mournfully in the background before giving her a bouquet of flowers as they sit close together on a bench. When people get nasty with Fergie or wonder about her meth problem, cut the broad some slack and remember that as a child she was forced to sing " Say you, say me/Say it for always/That's the way it should be" to a grown man in a wig and make-up because that is some fucked-up stuff.

A PS - upon rewatching the clip, Miss Ramona noticed that she missed the creepiest part of the song - "People in the park/Playing games in the dark/And what they played was a masquerade/And from behind the walls of doubt, a voice was crying out" Good Lord. It sounds like bunch of kinky sex freaks getting ready to sacrifice a child in some sort Eyes Wide Shut scenario. Can we get some "Dancing on the Ceiling" up in this piece?

Generation 90210 Remembers:

2009-06-12T13:20:00.002-07:00

The episode wherein David Silver enlightens men everywhere on scoring with the ladies

Pimp tips with David Silver for landing ladies like Donna Martin:

1. Bust out every combination of the running man/roger rabbit/ jump into a bent-knee split/deep squat you can imagine. Throw in a twirl if you can - come on, girl, it's fun!

2. With the deep squat, rock from side to side on your feet, like you are trying to quickly take a shit in a field while running from a hoard of angry drugstore clerks enraged that you just shoplifted a year's supply of Axe.

3. Do not be afraid to get what Miss Ramona's grandma calls"freaky deaky" - there is absolutely nothing wrong with a little face to crotch dance action at the high school Holiday Ball.

4. Nothing is sexier than a collarless dress shirt. Just ask the guys of Boyz II Men.

5. Nothing, that is, except when you pair it with a shiny satin blue suit

6. There is no such thing as too much hair gel

7. Learn to make "sexy face" which entails jutting your lower jaw out as far as you can and sticking your tongue out at irregular ten second intervals

And here is the rest of it.

Generation 90210 Word of the Day

2009-06-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hook-up - recently coined by National Public Radio!!!

Apparently, those of us growing up in the shadow of the West Beverly gang's bed-hopping ended up pretty slutty by NPR's standards

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105008712

Generation 90210 Remembers

2009-06-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

The episode wherein Brenda, Donna, Andrea, Kelly, and Kelly's snotty senior friend, Amanda, have a slumber party and play Skeletons in the Closet.

One almost feels sorry for Andrea in this clip in which Amanda "I used to be fat but now I'm thin thanks to massive doses of Dexatrim" Peyser leads what amounts to a psychic gang bang on poor old Andrea Zuckerman. The adjective "old" is used here as a nod of recognition to the fact that Gabrielle Carteris, the actress who played Andrea, was, like, 45 years old. Two things leave Miss Ramona befuddled by this clip.
CONTINUED

One, why is Andrea wearing the same nightgown that Ramona's grandma bought at Marshalls last week? 90210 knew not the meaning of subtlety. One consequence of this was that in order to highlight Andrea's dorkiness, she couldn't just wear vests and glasses; she had to wear a burka with shoulder pads capped off with a doily. To a slumber party with the popular girls in school, no less. It's hard to feel sorry for someone with so little judgement.

Second, why does Amanda (dazzling in a silk mustard-colored number buttoned to the chin, jeans zipped to her middle rib, and bangs held up by half a can of Aqua Spray) accuse Andrea of having cow eyes that she bats at Brandon? Sure, this is a nasty comment, but the real problem is its total lack of veracity. Andrea didn't have big eyes and her eyes were made even smaller behind her glasses. This, my friends, is just lazy scriptwriting. Go big or go home, that's what Miss Ramona says.

Generation 90210 remembers Casa Walsh

2009-06-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

The house that the Walshes moved into upon arriving in California was so Beverly Hills that it could only be found in Alta Dena, roughly 45 minutes east. The lovely lady at http://www.imnotastalker.com/, one of Miss Ramona's favorite sites in that it combines two of her interests - real estate and pop culture -was able to meet the kind owner of the house who let her in to photograph it. Follow the link for her photos and story: http://www.iamnotastalker.com/2008/11/26/casa-walsh/

Generation 90210 Words of the Day

2009-06-04T22:52:00.001-07:00

From Michael Chabon's Wonder Boys

"God knows I don't exactly fit the new corporate profile."

"Which is?"

"Competence."

Generation 90210 Remembers

2009-06-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

The 90210 episode wherein Brenda, Mrs. Walsh, and Donna go to self-defense class

All you Beverly Hills rapists out there beware - Cindy Walsh does not take shit lying down. Don't let the pastel jogging suit fool you because Mrs. Walsh will fuck your shit up. Just love the emphasis, the utter venom with which Mrs. Walshes hisses, "Take your hands off me!" as she jumps into combat position, her white high top-clad feet ready to kick some ass. Close examination suggests some interesting mixed messages here. The self-defense coach commends Cindy's truculence by saying, "she just showed us that she doesn't believe she deserves to be harmed. Self-esteem is the key to self-defense!" I guess only girls without confidence get raped. The camera cuts to Brenda and Donna who, oops, left the bottom of her shirt at home. At least she remembered to match her scrunchie to her skirt. After Brenda succesfully models her self-defense maneuvers, she sits back down at which point Donna licks her finger and puts it on Brenda's shoulder, intimating that Brenda's performance was so hot it sizzled. Is self-defense supposed to be sexy? This is a gesture that Miss Ramona's mom likes, except she touches her finger to her bottom for the sizzle part. Let it be said that Ramona's mom also just learned the phrase "You go, girl" last year and thinks it's totally great, except that she often gets mixed up and says things like "Go, go, go, you girlfriend!" or "Go girl, you go on and go!"

This episode also reminds us of an episode of Jenny Jones that featured self-defense lessons for the blind. One woman got up and modeled her moves - NO! bend the arm.No! duck the head. NO! kick to the groin - before telling Jenny that before her self-defense class she felt weak but now "everyone knows I am one baaaaaaaad ass!"

Generation 90210 Remembers: Paula Abdul the Pop Star!

2009-06-03T16:09:00.000-07:00

In recent years, Paula Abdul has gained notoriety for, among other things, slurring incoherently through myriad interviews, drinking something other than soda from those shiny red Coke cups that sit in front of the American Idol judges, selling a line of QVC jewelry, starring in a short-lived reality show on Bravo called Hey, Paula (on which she suffered a meltdown during one episode because she was "tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am"), offering totally useless critiques on AI like "I just love your spirit" or "You really made that song yours,” and giving (and then rescinding) a confession to Ladies Home Journal that she had had addiction issues with pain medications, in particular a patch that delivered a painkiller 80 times stronger than morphine. Who knew such a thing existed?

You know terminal cancer patients around the world looked over at their morphine drips and were like, what. the. fuck.

For those born after 1985, this is the stuff Paula is famous for, even though she did recently perform a single she wants to release on AI. Us older folks, on the other hand, remember Paula Abdul as the artist behind hits like "Straight Up," "Cold Hearted Snake," and "Promise of a New Day." We remember . . . (CONTINUED AFTER THE JUMP)

the massively successful video for "Rush, Rush" in which Paula and then teen-icon Keanu Reeves (PS- where did he go?) adapted Rebel Without A Cause into a four minute mini-movie that even had a scene during the song's bridge with Paula and Keanu (as Natalie Wood and James Dean) "acting":

Paula: Can I ask you something? Have you ever been in love?
Keanu: If I was, I didn't know it. And you?
Paula: No. Isn't that terrible?
Keanu: Terrible? No. It just reminds you that we're all alone.

After this shared moment of existential angst, Paula and Keanu skip into an abandoned mansion where they light some candles, play hide and seek, run up and down a staircase, gaze at each other in a mirror, and finally cuddle on the floor. This is a song in which Paula frequently alludes to her lover’s abilities to turn her senses all around when he kisses her up and down and she both candidly and emphatically insists that no one else has touched her so deep, so deep, so deep inside. Cuddling seems kind of anti-climatic given her lover’s supposed sexual virtuoso.

We cannot diss Paula, however. Aside from still using the chorus of "Rush, Rush" - rush, rush, hurry, hurry - to get her dogs to go potty on their walks, Ramona Narrow, like many female thirtyboppers, was a huge Paula Abdul fan. Saw her in concert. Four times. Still remembers her birthday (June 19, 1962) because she took a 30th birthday card and flowers from her parents' garden wrapped in foil and soggy paper towels to a 1992 concert . Ramona also used almost two years of allowance savings (originally intended for buying a Nintendo) to go to the 1989 MTV Music Video Awards with her babysitter when she found out Paula was performing.

Gen90210-ers remember that Paula was a huge, huge star. She sold over fifty million albums. What we also remember is that while she can dance in that sort of 80’s jazzercise way, Paula cannot sing. At all.

Secure in our memories of her lackluster vocal talent, we find ourselves amused that she is now a judge in a singing contest and wait for the day when some rejected potential contestant snarls at her, "I'm not taking any shit from you, lady. I know that you sound like Eleanor from the Chipettes!"

Here's some Paula for y'all at the aforementioned 1989 Music Video Awards that Ramona was at. If you listen carefully, you might hear Miss Ramona screaming at inappropriate moments between her chest-wracking sobs of joy and awe.

On the Generation 90210 horizon

2009-06-03T02:38:00.000-07:00

An in-depth study of the loves and losses of Steve Sanders, beginning with his roots as the adopted child of businessman Rush and actress Samantha Sanders and following him through his sexy adolescent years behind the wheel of his beloved Corvette with the license plate "I8A4RE" and, finally, into fatherhood and a hard-hitting journalism career at The Beverly Beat.This one might take a while. But it will be worth it.

And here is the rest of it.

Generation 90210 Remembers: Creepy 80s sitcoms

2009-06-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

Gen 90210-ers remember that back in the 80s, sitcoms were where it was at. Most of these thirty minute morality plays aired on weekend nights, back when getting a Friday or Saturday night primetime slot was a coup. Now, Friday and Saturday nights are kind of like the tuberculosis sanatoriums of television: places where things go to die while no one watches.

Oddly, many of these shows revolved around depressing premises, usually involving a dead/absent parent or being orphaned by the deaths of both parents (Silver Spoons, Out of this World, Punky Brewster, Full House, Who’s the Boss?). Not content to be outdone by killing off a child’s parents, some shows (Diff’rent Strokes, Gimme a Break, Webster) threw in an interracial component that usually involved a poor, black person coming into a wealthy, white person’s home to provide comic relief. You have to wonder what possessed some television writer to think, I know, I’ll take a little black boy (preferably one with challenged pituatary glands so that he looks like he's 5 when he's 13), kill both his parents, and send him to live with one of his deceased father’s white friends where he will address the mother figure as "Ma’am" for the duration of his childhood (Webster). Shits and giggles all around!

If you remember these shows, then it is very likely you also remember the “special” episodes that aired every once in a while that were supposed to teach the kiddies watching at home a lesson. The problem is, instead of serving their intended didactic purpose, they almost always ended up in traumatizing us. Let us closely examine some of these moments after the jump . . .

PUNKY BREWSTER - Cherie gets stuck in the refrigirator!

When Punky and the gang finally find Cherie, she is unconscious and collapses out of the refrigerator. Luckily, Punky paid attention to the CPR lesson at school during the first part of this dramatic episode and so is able to use her mouth to mouth skills to revive Cherie. This episode teaches us that, umm, CPR is important to know and that if you, like Allen, get sent to the principal's office during CPR training and your friend dies, it's your fucking fault.

WEBSTER

One episode involved a teacher at school who touched the girls too much . Then there was the episode where, oops, Webster burned down George and Ma’am’s apartment, clearing the way from them to move to the house with the secret passageways. However, the episode that really stuck with Ramona was the one where Webster finds a secret passage in his house to a hidden room that has a rocking chair with a doll in it that, we find out later, was supposed to serve as a shrine to the previous tenant’s runaway daughter. Frighteningly for Webster and the viewers, the show decided to get its Faulkner on and get all "A Rose for Emily"ish by making it seem as though it was actually a corpse that had been sitting in this room for years. Webster, after finding himself locked in the room, opted to take a snooze. Naturally.

Diff'rent Strokes

So much to work with here! In fact, when Arnold became convinced of the fact that kids were selling drugs at his upper crust prep school, Nancy Reagan herself came on the show to let everyone know that we should all “JUST SAY NO.” Alas, this lesson hasn’t stuck with Ramona as much as the others. Diff’rent Strokes produced the two creepiest episodes of sitcom television ever. In one, Arnold and his pal, Dudley, get lured into the apartment of a man who owns a bicycle shop but who is really a pedophile.

Later in the series’ run, we learn the dangers of hitchhiking (an epidemic on the upper-eastside of Manhattan in case you hadn't heard) from Kimberly and Arnold, who, frustrated by their inability to catch a cab after fifteen seconds, decide to hitchhike instead and get in the car with a guy who seems nice but then holds them hostage in his apartment with the intent of raping Kimberly and perhaps killing Arnold; he remains gagged and bound in the bedroom while the man forces Kimberly to slow dance with him while he serenades her with “Strangers in the Night.” Arnold is told he will be okay if he is just "a good little Astronaut," a phrase so creepy that Miss Ramona intends to use it on her students in order to instill fear. Luckily, Arnold busts out the window, gets help, and Arnold and Kimberly make it home to celebrate Mr. Drummond’s birthday. Because who doesn’t feel like celebrating after an attempted rape?

Generation 90210 Words of the Day

2009-06-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

Frank O'Hara's "Animals"

Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth
it's no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners
the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

I wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days

O'Hara and John Ashberry, 1953

Generation 90210 Remembers

2009-06-02T05:55:00.000-07:00

The 90210 episode wherein Brandon, Nikki, David, and Donna go to a Rosie O'Donnell comedy benefit.

Why does the audience laugh at Rosie's joke about her parents watching? Is it because they all know that the idea of Rosie O'Donnell getting laid in high school is kind of silly? That has to be it, because Rosie O'Donnell is not funny. We just need to establish that right away. This clip doesn't show Rosie, all Donahue-style, going out into the audience to ask the real teenagers about their sexual experience. You miss Nikki, Brandon's 15 old girlfriend who is not only on at least her second sexual partner with ole' Brando, but who has survived an abusive relationship with a guy in a band named, get this, Diesel. Ms. Ramona doesn't know about you, but while her friends and family might have looked the other way on the whole beating her up thing, there would have been a line drawn in the sand over dating someone who went by Diesel. Just saying. Like Emily Valentine, Nikki was also from San Francisco; are these ladies supposed to be cluing us in to Brandon's bohemian side? Finally, as rich as Donna Martin was, why did she wear a black spandex dress for the entire first semester of senior year?
And here is the rest of it.

Generation 90210 Remembers: The Star Search Spokesmodel Competition

2009-06-02T05:14:00.000-07:00

Star Search. A classy talent show featuring dancing, singing, comedy, and . . . spokesmodeling. In what universe, you might ask, is "spokesmodeling" a legitimate competitive category? One in which Symba Smith, the repeat champion below, exhibits "beauty, poise, and the ability to speak effectively in a variety of situations." The ladies showed their beauty off in a video montage lit like a porn film and set to sexy 80s songs you now hear in the dentist's office. Their poise and speaking abilities were front and center in a brief interview with a pre-foreclosure Ed McMahon before they introduced the next segment. Check out Ms. Smith discussing how it's been her dream since she was, like, fourteen to be a spokesmodel competitor on Star Search.

When she was little, Ramona wanted to be a waitress, manicurist, or dancer; basically anything without stability or benefits. Now as someone who works on seasonal contracts without health insurace, Miss Ramona is glad she followed Symba Smith's lead in dreaming big.

A thought: does using the word "classy" make one sound distinctly unclassy?

You want to see real talent? Then click on the read more link
Check out little "Justin Ray" doing some boot-scootin' boogie before he would grow up to bang "I don't get jobs because I'm too pretty" Jessica Biel.

Generation 90210 Extols: European Condom Commercials

2009-06-02T03:58:00.000-07:00

Many Gen90210ers, particularly the ladies, are getting to the age where they want babies. They see those Gucci diaper bags or cute little onesies or ironic baby t-shirt that say things like "silent protagonist" or "they're raising me gay" and think, "Oh, it would be so cute to have a little Apple/Emma/Tate/Aiden of my own to tote around to Mommy and Me Pilates!" Alas, most of us aren't in a position to have babies just yet. European condom commercials can help assuage this ache:

If these fail to get rid of those annoying pangs, we recommend a trip to Target in the middle of a Wednesday. Best. Birth Control. Ever.

Generation 90210 Moment: Exaltation Upon Finding Out JT Leroy was a fraud

2009-06-02T03:33:00.000-07:00

Before there was James Frey (A Million Little Pieces). Before there was Margaret Seltzer/Jones (Love and Consequences). Before there was Nasdijj/Tim Barrus (Geronimo’s Bones). Before all of those other pseudo-memoirists were found to be fakes and many of them forced to endure the pop culture version of waterboarding – interrogation at the vengeful hands of Oprah-- there was JT LeRoy.

JT LeRoy was an early 2000s sensation who authored two novels, The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things and Sarah, and one novella, Harold’s End, about a nameless teenage male prostitute with a pet snail named Harold and an older client who wants the narrator to dump the contents of his enema over his head. Ramona knows this because it is the one thing she read by LeRoy and it was enough for her to decide that she didn’t need to read more. Sarah and The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things both center on a male child’s experiences as the son of a lot lizard (truck stop prostitute) whom his mom dresses up like a girl and pimps out. CONT.

The crazy thing was that LeRoy was twenty and twenty-one when the novels came out. All of the usual "look at us, we're quirkY!" folks -- Gus van Sant, Winona Ryder, Courtney Love – wanted to hang out with him, and he developed intense phone relationships with literary heavyweights like Mary Gaitskill, Dennis Cooper, and Mary Karr. He was known for being extraordinarily odd, rarely materializing in public at all, and on that rare occasion when he did, appearing always with huge sunglasses and a wig. He was not too shy, however, for a Vanity Fair pictorial and interview with Tom Waits.

Ramona and a friend learned of Leroy in the spring of their senior year in college. Sitting at a PF Changs, they all of the sudden became aware that, if they wanted to do something meaningful with their lives, the clock had started ticking; our generation’s prodigies were emerging. Sarah had come out the summer before and a major publicity whirl had been kicked into gear for The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things. They were already feeling anxious about their post-graduation plans and now this? Really? Someone younger than them had already written a critically acclaimed novel, with another coming out? We thought we had until we were thirty (ha!).

Well, shit.

But here’s the thing – several years later some nosy reporters got it in their minds that something seemed off about the whole JT LeRoy thing and did some investigating. Turns out there is no such person as JT LeRoy. It was a pen name for a forty year old woman named Laura Albert. She had her ex-boyfriend’s little sister, Savannah Knoop, play the role of JT.

There was massive fallout over this situation. But to be fair, Albert may have lied to friends and to the public, but the books were always labeled as fiction. It’s not like she was Misha Defonseca who made up an entire childhood that included surviving the holocaust, killing a German soldier, and living with wolves. Or even poor James Frey, who turned a few hours in jail into a several month long sojourn in prison. Besides, after watching Oprah cut Frey’s balls off and hand them back to him in a jar on television, we figure he’s paid his penance. We wanted to put a clip up of that particular show but, alas, it’s not available; Oprah keeps her shit locked down, you know?
A PS about Oprah, one that Ramona warns her parents, friends’ parents, and all other easily offended adults to definitely avoid.

Ramona believes that Oprah once uttered the best line on television ever to be delivered throughout the history of the medium. She was doing a special on women who were sex addicts. While one woman was detailing her sexual preferences, Oprah interrupted her and said, with an uparalleled degree of disgust,

“You mean, you let strange men cum on your face?”

When Ramona is feeling sad or like she hasn’t accomplished enough or like she will never be a writer, she just remembers that JT LeRoy was actually a forty year old woman and that Oprah once used the expression “cum on your face” and all feels right in the universe again.

Generation 90210 Remembers

2009-06-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

The 90210 episode wherein the West Beverly Gang goes to a rave.

At the beginning of season 3, all of the 90210 kids decided to go to a rave. While Steve and Andrea ventured aimlessly around Los Angeles looking for the convenience store where they were supposed to exchange an egg for directions, the rest of the kids got their groove on, with the gals donning their best lycra and lace Contempo gear. Apparently, a rave is a warehouse party that necessitates an updo, high heels, and the ability to do a mean Roger Rabbit (thank you, David Silver!) while listening to the snazzy, jazzy vocal stylings of Seal.

Brandon's wild woman of the moment Emily Valentine (from San Francisco, of course) spiked his drink with "Euphoria", which is, according to Ms. Valentine, supposed to "help you get rid of your inhibitions." Props to the 9-0 staff writers in their prescience regarding Ecstacy, the use of which would reach epidemic proportions among college kids by the late 90s. Also, please note that Brenda uses the phrase "He's pretty buff!" as a compliment to a prospective partner for Kelly. Rad.

Generation 90210 Words of the Day

2009-06-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

From T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

Eliot could be so moving. And yet, at 67, he married a 32 year old blonde named Valerie Fletcher. Apparently even Nobel Laureates want trophy wives.

Portrait of Eliot done by Wyndham Lewis in 1938

Generation 90210 Extols: So You Think You Can Dance

2009-05-30T04:16:00.000-07:00

Those nearest and dearest to Ramona Narrow know that from May to August, she lives and dies for Fox's So You Think You Can Dance. She's been to a taping - twice. She votes. She posts critiques in the online community, often making up total lies to make a point in online arguments she gets in with 12 year olds in Florida. She once approached a dancer who had been kicked off and announced that his departure was "a travesty and injustice." The show is that good. The dancers are phenomenal, the choreographers are world-renowned, the judges are fair and kind and focused on dance, and the hostess, Cat Deeley, is silly and warm enough that you almost forgive her for her perfect shiny hair and fashion model frame. Almost.

All of the dances performed are original choreography, which means that instead of hearing some nineteen year old from Texas with bad highlights sing "I Will Always Love You" like she's several Long Islands in at a karaoke bar in the Milwaukee Marriott, you get to see something you've never seen before. Ms. Ramona has been without a tv for the past five months, but, as of last week, you can find her on the treadmill with the attached television at her community center, pissing people off by exceeding the 30 minute cardio machine limit, every Wednesday and Thursday from 8-10. To kick off the new season, Ramona has chosen her top five SYTYCD auditions of all time.
1. BRANDON BRYANT

2. PHILLIP CHBEEB (This isn't sped up!!!)

3.BENJI SCHWIMMER AND HEIDI GROSKREUTZ

4.EVAN KASPRZAK

5.BRANDON NORRIS

Here is the beginning of my post. And here is the rest of it.

Generation 90210 Darling: Carolyn See

2009-05-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Carolyn See is one of those rare Gen901210 icons who fit both our criteria: she was not successful until well after thirty and at seventy-five, she is still kicking ass with a love for margaritas and a long-time crush on Owen Wilson.See has written several bestselling novels, three non-fiction books, numerous articles for publications like The Atlantic Monthly and Esquire, and a number of mysteries under the pseudonym Monica Highland. She is currently the book reviewer for the Friday morning edition of The Washington Post and has won both Guggenheim and Getty fellowships, as well as The Los Angeles Times Robert Kirsch Body of Work Award. Yet her first novel wasn't published until she was thirty-six, one which, in her own words, "sank like a stone.” See was in her late thirties and early forties when she started to make it as a writer. Plus, after two failed marriages before the age of 35, she wrote off the institution as a whole and lived as boyfriend/girlfriend with the erudite and illustrious John Espey (search him on the New Yorker’s website,www.newyorker.com, to find some of the best stuff that ever came out of those rarefied halls back when they were on 45th street) for thirty years until the time of his death in 2000 (CONT.)

For people who feel like things just haven’t worked out for them (I have a law degree – why am I still in the mailroom?) or that it is too late to start pursuing their dreams without looking pathetic, the general philosophy that it is never too late to get it together that emerges in See’s work is both inspiring and comforting. As See says, “When I started to write I was relatively old, and lived in California. So I was the wrong sex, wrong age, wrong coast. Luckily I was too ignorant to know it.” And it’s a good thing she was because three of her books are absolute must-haves for Gen 90210ers everywhere.

Making a Literary Life: Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers is for those who secretly yearn to write. It’s for normal people who live normal lives but harbor desires to create something extraordinary. Written with great humor and warmth, dreamers who always wanted to write but felt like because they didn’t get an MFA at Iowa or Irvine or didn’t intern at Harpers their junior year at Princeton, it just wasn’t in the cards for them will greatly appreciate this book which covers everything from creating a writing ritual to handling rejection to being your own publicist to not pissing people off when your first book comes out.

Growing up working class in Los Angeles, twenty-nine year old Bob Hampton has artistic aspirations: he wants to paint. Buying into the mythology that great artists must migrate to Paris, the so-called art capital of the world, Bob arrives there only to find that it is a world closed off to people like him, people with cousins who live in trailers and mothers who live in dark studio apartments on Vermont. He returns to Los Angeles and begins to work as a handyman to pay for his art supplies while he figures out what the hell he is going to do with his life now that he thinks he’ll never get to be a real artist. A testament to the transcendent power of art, The Handyman is profound but not pretentious. Note: the first few pages are a bit confusing but will totally make sense once you finish the novel.

This book is Miss Ramona Narrow’s favorite book of all-time. Miss Ramona has read a lot, in large part because she endured a thirteen year awkward phase from the time she was seven until she was twenty which left her seeking solace in books while her friends dated cute boys, so hopefully that should count for something. Of course, it is debatable whether this awkward phase really ever ended, but whatever.

Dreaming is See’s memoir that loosely focuses on the ways that alcoholism and drug addiction have pervaded the lives of almost everyone in her family. The general but unspoken thesis of the book is that the prevalence of alcohol and drug addiction in this country is in part due to the disappointment we feel when we find out that, for the vast majority of us, the myth of the American Dream is just that – a myth. We work hard, we do what we are supposed to do and then are left to ask “Is this it?” Or in the words of one of the most gifted song writers alive today, Isaac Brock, “Life handed us a paycheck and we said, ‘we worked harder than this’.” This is a classic Generation 90210 kid feeling when in self-pity mode.

What is so great is that growing up for See does not mean giving up on fun or becoming “an adult” in the boring, serious sense of the word. She follows no one’s path but her own and finally decides to hang it up at forty, but for See, hanging it up means giving up acid and meeting the aforementioned John Espey, and it is at this point that her career really gets going. This is, in a nutshell, why Caroline See is a 90210 darling - she shows us that our lives are what we make of them, that even given a crappy lot in life, you can take it, polish it, and have a damn good time.